Once upon a time in a very Three’s-Company-esque situation, a friend of mine and myself were encouraged to explore Buddhism through a third friend and devout Buddhist. I, being open-minded (at least I think I am), ran on into the meetings, attempted chanting, and read literature provided. And still… nothing.
This was in a time that I was having giant gaps in my faith anyhow. I was 21? 22? This is the age of curiosity and questioning everything. My friend, however, attached to Buddhism like Velcro. And good for her. It helped her to alleviate some of that negativity and it seems that her life has seriously taken a turn for the better. And I am happy for her, however, I feel a little jilted at the same time. Because alleviating that negativity for her, somehow encompassed cutting off our relationship. Abruptly at that.
I can’t help but feel that our ties were severed because I did not eat up the Buddhism thing like she did and, possibly, she saw that as my rejection of change. She interpreted that as my denial of my happiness and resolution to be miserable forever.
This was not the case. I enjoy the philosophy behind Buddhism and have (through the years) learned to be positive. I too, have built my own empire of accomplishments and reasons to be grateful. And I have always felt that way about religion. I embody the underlying mantra or ideals, but I cannot attend the meetings, I do not pay any dues, I will not build an altar in my house and lock myself in a room making nonsense noises until I feel a shift in my spirit. I connect with the universe and faith in a different way. It may not look like ritual to you, but when I sit and smoke pot and listen to music… it connects me to the energy of the universe. Learning and going to school- that opens me up to ebb and flow of things greater than myself.
I have learned to surrender to bigger picture and be grateful for my lot; however, my lot includes undying ambition and need for kinetic energy in my life. I need the potential to move, to create, and to change. That is my energy in the universe. The energy that pushes me forward to attain and achieve anything that I want. I want something, I toil until I can work up to it, and I achieve it. I wish that wasn’t such an ostracizing trait.
She is currently married to man that I think will take good care of her. She’s pregnant and due in April and I am ecstatic for her (and yes, just a touch envious). But I wish I could share this with her. I am engaged to a man who will love me through the good and the bad. We bought our first house and we’re saving for our wedding. I wish that I could share this with her, plan with her, dream with her, and cry with her. It really hurts. I have no desire to wish her ill. I have no negative feelings toward her at all. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. She was one of my greatest friends. And I miss her.